I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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