Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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