Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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