I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
