Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
why do cheetos always look like penises
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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