Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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