Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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