i was born a porn star she said
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
