I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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