dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize