I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
