He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
