why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
