So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
