dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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