my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
