I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
