Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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