Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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