it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
