My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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