he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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