i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Success! We fucked roommates!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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