Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
