Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
