never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize