I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
