So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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