I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
