Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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