No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
