Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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