there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
