Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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