In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
