I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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