If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
