Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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