I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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