I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
