Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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