My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at about main and main street
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
