Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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