This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
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