Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
