someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
