I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
