either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
