She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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