i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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