So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
