Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
