well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my being single is dangerous.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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