I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
