I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
