I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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