I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
