whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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