glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
