I think I died a long time ago.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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